Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
