Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
