Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
