to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
false alarm. still invincible.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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