You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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