Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
