He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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