the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my being single is dangerous.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
