I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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