Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize