he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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