if you like me you must not know who I am
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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