So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
