You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
