I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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