Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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