She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
