mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
