I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
