A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
