if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
