I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
