all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
