The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You ruined the universe
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
