my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
