Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast