I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
