just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
