I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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