This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.