remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.