I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
