I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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