I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The air taste purple.
Randomize
