we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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