Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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