So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
