I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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