so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
