Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
