the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
