woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
