She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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