4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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