dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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