3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
