I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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