I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
