I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
