I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
