My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
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Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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