Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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