Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
