Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
