You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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