Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
